08 February 2006

i'm not

Far be it for me to presume what others are thinking, but. But.

Sometime ago I composed a post in my head and it was really good. I promptly forgot it. But later on I remembered bits and pieces of it. I just never remembered what prompted it.

There were elements of my natural, seemingly inborn scepticism, my innate doubt (wound tester perhaps? I dunno) and my distrust/dislike of people but at the same time, the way I'm often charmed by them and. Well, ok, not so much that last part. I forgot the elements involving the last part.

I remember being on the army base back when the hospital somewhere where it was before where it is now. Maybe this was a clinic for GIs. It was long ago. I haven't the faintest clue of how old I was. Young. Very young. Tiny. Wee. I don't know if I was with Mummy or Daddy, but what I do recall is being alone--not the scared, where is everyone alone, just, 'wait right here little girl, the authorities are telling you what to do' kind of alone. A soldier boy gets my attention. And boy he must have been. I don't recall anything about him, but he had to be young. He was just a GI. He got my attention. I watched him warily, like a cat watches someone who has them cornered. I don't think I was old enough to be suspicious, but I do recall having the vaguest feeling of doubt.

Did I remind him of a younger sister? A niece? A cousin? Some dear female relative? Perhaps. But I shook my head. I didn't go. He continued to beckon, waving me over, trying to convince me. He wasn't ever crude or mean I don't think. I have the slightest feeling that toward the end he might have got slightly frustrated, and oh yes, I think he had a bandaged foot. Looking back I can't see what he would have wanted out of me. He couldn't have had candy to offer. ^_~ On the other hand, there was little privacy, so I don't think he could have hurt me. But I can't second guess him on either count. Maybe I did remind him of someone. Maybe she was better off with him far away.

Some years later, many years later, I found myself at a computer convention with my parents. I think I was around 14/15. Nice and impressionable. And a girl at a computer convention. I was eyeing a hot programmer and struck up a conversation with a nice man, about 10+ years my senior. (Nice, but not the hot programmer. Oh and he was cute. I still remember his lovely brown hair.) Pleasant, but... there was that same doubt that I'd had some 10-12 years previous tickling the back of my head like a thin wire. Nothing substantial, nothing to point at or touch, but I could feel it nonetheless. He asked if I wanted to go out for a walk to his car. Here I should point out that he had a cane and limp. I don't know if it was temporary or permanent. Perhaps he needed to make sure he wasn't alone for the venture and had assistance if he needed it. Perhaps he just enjoyed my company and was a genuinely nice man. Perhaps other girls have since found out different.

I choose not to second guess and I think I'd rather be closed.

his hands touch me and
when it hurts i breath hard, cry--
i hear dogs barking

uneasy trust
touching me please don't touch (me)
i didn't think it'd feel like this

[i'm not]

please do not touch me
open skies, low cut, salsa
don't assume i'm--stars

forget--when i dance,
and i don't know what they see,
i'm not here for you,

stargazing, dancing--
(i forget they always will)
sometimes it's the same

the sky never looks
so please, do not touch me, and
don't assume i'm yours